My Moments to Breathe

Monday, January 13, 2014

It takes time

It has almost been 2 months and I am getting antsy.

I am still sore, but it is mostly the part that they broke my sternum that bugs me. But what can I expect there, they broke a bone and I have wire holding it together. It just feels weird because it gets tight, and my lungs just feel like they want to burst out and expand more than my chest is letting them. I know it will just take time, but as most of you can tell...I don't have the patience for that! I want it healed, and I want it healed NOW!

I have a bronch tomorrow so that they can check out my lungs straight from the lungs. They will check to see how everything is doing and make sure there is no rejection. I am trying not to worry but I have as much problem trying not to worry as I do trying to be patient. I am hoping that everything goes well with the bronch itself as well as the outcome.

My meds are still giving me some hassle thats a tad annoying. I get nauseous and even have thrown up (like yesterday) and the shakes are still very bad. BLAH these shakes are starting to interfere a bit, and I just want them to go away which my doctor said they probably wouldn't. But I keep trying to remind myself it is better than not being able to breathe.  I have been keeping up on them all and while I am getting ready for my bronch I actually had to add a new injection for a week or so, but at least this one will go away soon.

Laila has a cold, a pretty nasty one and it has me scared. I can't catch it, like really I can't because I don't want anything to happen to these brand new puppies I got 2 months ago. They need to stay strong while they are getting stronger. So as if this household wasn't obsessed with hand washing and sanitizer as it Laila is even more so now. She put on her sanitizer cocktail and even does her whole arm and sometimes even her legs. It may be awful but I don't stop her from doing so. And today I am going to wear a duck mask around my own house. BOO...breathing paper in the comfort of your own home equals NO COMFORT! But it is better than her having to wear one or the alternative of catching this bug.

We bought a treadmill that I can continue my workouts at home so those lungs can expand more and more. And even if its only for short times, when I get done walking my lungs are always a little better and my chest is expanded. A little pressure off.

I am still trying to gain weight, and its not that easy. I am still down to around 90 lbs and the thought of gaining about 20 lbs seems overwhelming, so in my head I am just breaking it up to goals of 5 lbs. A ton less scary then a big number. My body looks so deformed when I see it in a mirror. Thats not the shape I remember seeing.

Sometimes things just get all jumbled in my head and create this ultra emotion and anxiety sets in. I get a little crazy and just need my 10 minutes to cry it out. Breathing is the best, don't get me wrong. But everything catches me and I get nervous, I wonder a lot, I cry, I breathe, and I try and go on with my day. Its a learning curve that in a few months when all this pain goes away, my lungs are pretty healed, my body has weight, I can carry my daughter, my life gets back to a normal...then my brain will start to relax. Time. It will take time. Please just everyone be patient with me while I go through this little process. I am not leaving my house often and when I do, its never alone yet...anxiety gets me. I am trying to continue to be me and to be as strong as I can be. But as you can assume, sometimes its just a lot to grasp and hold onto. Remember it takes time.


  1. Cassie- You are a strong woman, and no matter what at times you need to stop, crumble, and cry it out. There is nothing wrong with that. It actually makes the weight of your world on your shoulders lighter.

  2. And prayers from everyone will help too!

  3. Cassie,
    We have never met, but I know your friend Rachel Zahn as she leads our Choir. She has led us to follow your adventure and pray for your full recovery. You are an inspiration to me and I think it would be unusual for you not to have anxious moments. I do not know anyone who could be 100% patient with your ordeal. I just want you to know that it is OK to be antsy, impatient, frustrated and even crabby and emotional. Your healing process is not just physical, you have been given the hope to run and twirl with your daughter. This is emotional, which is a process all on its own. We will continue praying for you and know that you will look back on all of this someday and say, "WOW! We did it!"