Monday, July 15, 2013
They just weren't perfect
So am I mad? Not one bit. Am I frustrated? Not the emotion I guess I would pick. The only emotion I can really name (even though I know there are still 100 of them rolling around) is disappointed. I had lungs, they just weren't perfect.
It was a roller-coaster from the second I saw my phone light up to this very minute...and it will continue until I fully heal. I hope soon. I have an amazing story filled with high points, and very low points. Heck, I had LUNGS, they just weren't perfect.
The first thing I want everyone to know is that NO these lungs weren't "wasted" because they picked ME to receive them. Nobody would have received these lungs the way they were. So please still trust in this wonderful system and the surgeons, they are amazing. My quality of life would have been switching old lung problems for new ones, and come on, if I am doing this they need to be perfect. I probably am not the one to explain this to you because still to this minute all the medicine they gave me is not out of my system. And when I was explained all this I was even foggier. But I have had Jer Jon explain it a few times so that I can get in into my brain the best I can. The cross match was perfect, the xrays were perfect, everything was lining up until the last minute when the lungs were in the surgeons hands and he deemed them TOO HEAVY! This could mean a few things, but over all it just means they weren't good. The lower back lobes had all the weight and therefore they could not manipulate them well enough to fit in my body without problems. That is 2 strikes against these lungs, and thanks to the donor family, but they just weren't perfect.
I have been thinking of the donor family, and the things I know about what was my potential donor. They were high risk lungs (that doesn't mean too much, and no it isn't what made them bad...they obviously won't give you damaged lungs) and they came from a "big guy" HAHA I guess I have very long lungs so a big guys lungs can fit in this little lady!! I found that to be funny, and you all know its laugh or cry with me...im choosing to laugh at this. I wish I could tell them I appreciate the gift, even if I couldn't accept them.
I know for a fact that this was the right thing. Thats why I will never be mad. I would be mad if they would have given me lungs that were perfect. And these weren't perfect. It will take some time to recover. I am pretty beat up emotionally and physically, and just need some time to, well, I guess morn the loss of these lungs. I am sure I will get there. I have to. Just time and patience.
I will blog about my story, because its quite the story and I feel it needs to be written someplace so I have it, so my family has it, so Laila has it. But, I am not going to do it right now, like I said I am choosing to laugh, not cry and my emotions are still too odd to go back (not trying to sound dramatic here.) I just wanted you all to know I am here and doing ok.
I had a great support system while I was there. Not just in all the family who were by my side because I had some great support there. Even if we joked about puffins and taco bell all day. But my team of nurses/drs/etc were exactly something I will pray for again. I laid on that operating table and the last thing I remember doing was telling jokes and laughing. I went down happy and confident. I put all my trust in these 5 guys and I was taken care of very well.
I am swollen, I am bruised, I am still marked up from where they were about to cut, I am emotionally someplace that I can't even tell where it is. But I will make it through this one too. You gotta do what you gotta do when you gotta do it. My time will be here and until I get the right donor I will still be sitting by my phone like I was a week ago. Nothing has changed except I had new lungs...
they just weren't perfect.