My Moments to Breathe

Monday, March 18, 2013

Tomorrow is another day

Today was one of those days that I wanted to punch CF right in the baby maker. UGH. First things first...the picture above (which I took from another Cyster on FB!)  These are different xrays of lungs with CF... the white is still functioning lung and the black is all dead lung. The last one is working at a 35% and mine right now are at a 26%. So you can imagine how much white vs. black I would have on my xray.

I re-read my eval stuff and wrote questions down for the many people I have to ask: coordinator, my NP, my insurance. I just pray it all works out and I do things the way I am suppose to. The antibiotics that I am on are starting to break things up and dry me out...good news. But the coughing and feeling of not being able to breathe is getting to me.

I was cleaning the house today and just pushed myself to the point that I needed to sit on the ground in the room I am cleaning and just breathe. Thats all...just breathe. And I thought to myself, "remember the days when cleaning was simple. The days you could run and play softball. The days that a trip to the mall was easy. The days I knew what oxygen was like all the time. Part of the question during the lung transplant process is : Can you live your life the way it is (health wise) and why was today a day I questioned it. Its hard to do the little things. Granted I feel I am pretty strong seeing as only 26% of my lungs work and I am still not on oxygen and continue to try and lead a normal life and do normal tasks. But really...can I imagine living a life with having to stop and just take a few moments to get oxygen in a place that normally should be no challenge to do? DEEP BREATHING.

I am so sorry that I am sick and that it hurts many of you to watch it. II am not sure how I would do watching somebody else go through it, if it was Jer, or Laila, or Angie, Tay, my Mom or Dad, my cousin, aunt, uncle...I dont know. But I am living it. I am suffocating. I am sorry if the word terminal or the picture above is too much for you to handle. LISTEN...its reality. Thank you to all who are staying by my side and fighting this with me. As Tay said today "unconditionally."

Tomorrow will be a better day, and tomorrow I will go on with my life and my fight and try a little bit harder. I am not going to let CF get me. I can't. I don't want to. I want to show you all I am as much as a fighter as you think I am. I want to show Laila her mom may be small but she packs a powerful punch. I want to show Jeremy he married a strong girl. I want to show my family I want to be here for them.

On my ipod:

Girls Just Want to Have Fun  by Greg Laswell
Blackbird by Evan Rachel Wood
Timshel by Mumford and Sons
Skinny Love by Bon Iver


  1. You ARE strong. You ARE a fighter. CF will NOT/can NOT get you.

  2. "The harder life is the softer I must become. I think that for now, this is true. Softness is not weakness. It's where true strength is born. Water is soft, rocks are hard. Over time-the water wins. Even the rock succumbs to water, eventually." -Glennon Melton (one of my favorite people...) From a mother who understands. P.S. We can do hard things AND love wins! Thinking of you, inspired by you, praying for you...