My Moments to Breathe

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Keep me in your heart...I'll stay there forever!

It happened once before at the funeral home for Ma's viewing. I really thought it was because of the surroundings and because it was her first time really seeing death, let alone people trying to explain it to her. But it happened again tonight and so I now know its on her mind more often than I want it to be. It is one worry I didn't want my 4 year old to have.

Laila and I were in bed while Jeremy sat in the chair watching the Tigers game (we can get the next few games, boys) and Laila started to feel sad. I asked her what was up when she burst into tears and told me she didn't want me to die. UGH. "Laila we don't have to worry about that for a long time." What else am i suppose to say! She kept crying and talking about how much she will miss me if I die and go to heaven. That she needs her Momma and won't be able to see her again if she dies. "We will see each other in heaven, girlie." Again, what am I suppose to say? But Momma is sick and she just wants her to come home. "Momma, always comes back Laila." WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO SAY? And then she climbs into my arms and melts into my body because she just can't get enough. Her comfort is to hold on to my arm and when she is scared about things like this all she wants is my arm to wrap around her. I didn't know what else to do but give her both arms and the rest of me and just sit there rubbing her back, fighting back the tears down my cheeks while hers where coming at full force. My poor little baby.

We finally got her settled down with a few, "Jesus doesn't want us to be sad about that" "We will all be in heaven together one day" "You will be old and a Momma yourself when Momma goes to heaven." and a bunch of things like that. Like I said about how you are never prepared to kiss and hug your daughter one last time before you say goodbye for a are never prepared enough to talk to her about death, especially YOUR death. I am not quite sure how people do it. My heart broke a bit and the guilt started up again.

It only makes me want to fight a little harder, even when I feel I have given my all...find that little extra in there and fight harder. It makes me worried a little more about post transplant and rejection. It makes me worried that I haven't done my job as a parent. It makes me sad for my daughter. She is 4 and her biggest worry should be if the skirt on her dress spins well enough, not if her Mom is going to die, go to heaven, and leave her. I asked her where she got this from...who said anything about me dying, she told me she got it from her own head. So now its our job as parents to reverse her thought. I always thought I did by telling her all the goods about the hospital, doctors, medicine, my "boo boos", and of course getting new all means that I get to run and play and give her under dogs on the swings again (Yes, this is very big in Laila's world...Momma is gonna be strong enough for underdogs and to carry her again.) and I promise that I will do all those one day. So what gave her this idea? I for sure have to now put a little stronger face on when I am not feeling well, and make sure I watch what I say about breathing and how I feel etc. I want her not to worry about death..

Lailie, Momma promises that you will have YOUR mom, always. And just remember, “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”


  1. :( Please don't think you have done anything wrong as a parent. My 4 year old often asks about me dying (he usually asks if I will die when he is an adult and then talks about how he doesn't want to be an adult and he will need me). I have no idea where he came up with any of this as I am healthy and we have never discussed death or illness much. Anyway, just wanted you to know that these are probably normal thoughts for kids this age and you did nothing wrong. Good luck to you on this journey - I hope you get the call soon!

  2. Exactly, Sarah. I don't think you have to try to undo Laila's thoughts. She's a smart girl, and she's a sentimental girl, and she loves you. From what I see, you've done an awful lot RIGHT with her! Kudos to you both, truly. What precious moments to share. I'm glad it encouraged your resolve all the more, to keep on keeping on. We thank God for Laila and you and Jeremy, for sustaining you through immeasurable trials with His more immeasurable grace, and we beg Him to send new lungs very soon. xo

  3. These have also been the most difficult moments of parenting for me with my kids. Each has processed the fact that I have CF differently, but they have all shared the same thoughts about death. I know it hurts, but it sounds like you did/are doing a great job!

  4. Kids are very intuative. My daughter asks me the same thing. I don't have CF but I'm a heart patient. I've had 10 heart surgeries and my brother died of a heart attack. It's something on my daughter's mind. She's seen far too much and had to wait countless times for me to come back from the hospital. Here's the upside momma, your daughter will be empathedic and accepting of other people's differences. She will not be scared to talk to someone with medical equipment. She will be a caring, loving person who protects others. It's the upside to our kids knowing that death happens. It's part of life.

  5. No one in our family is sick, yet my 3 yr old grand daughter has been bringing up the subject of death. It seems like it's a normal question at this age...even more so if there is an illness involved. Praying for you and your family