Sunday, October 13, 2013
Keep me in your heart...I'll stay there forever!
It happened once before at the funeral home for Ma's viewing. I really thought it was because of the surroundings and because it was her first time really seeing death, let alone people trying to explain it to her. But it happened again tonight and so I now know its on her mind more often than I want it to be. It is one worry I didn't want my 4 year old to have.
Laila and I were in bed while Jeremy sat in the chair watching the Tigers game (we can get the next few games, boys) and Laila started to feel sad. I asked her what was up when she burst into tears and told me she didn't want me to die. UGH. "Laila we don't have to worry about that for a long time." What else am i suppose to say! She kept crying and talking about how much she will miss me if I die and go to heaven. That she needs her Momma and won't be able to see her again if she dies. "We will see each other in heaven, girlie." Again, what am I suppose to say? But Momma is sick and she just wants her to come home. "Momma, always comes back Laila." WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO SAY? And then she climbs into my arms and melts into my body because she just can't get enough. Her comfort is to hold on to my arm and when she is scared about things like this all she wants is my arm to wrap around her. I didn't know what else to do but give her both arms and the rest of me and just sit there rubbing her back, fighting back the tears down my cheeks while hers where coming at full force. My poor little baby.
We finally got her settled down with a few, "Jesus doesn't want us to be sad about that" "We will all be in heaven together one day" "You will be old and a Momma yourself when Momma goes to heaven." and a bunch of things like that. Like I said about how you are never prepared to kiss and hug your daughter one last time before you say goodbye for a transplant....you are never prepared enough to talk to her about death, especially YOUR death. I am not quite sure how people do it. My heart broke a bit and the guilt started up again.
It only makes me want to fight a little harder, even when I feel I have given my all...find that little extra in there and fight harder. It makes me worried a little more about post transplant and rejection. It makes me worried that I haven't done my job as a parent. It makes me sad for my daughter. She is 4 and her biggest worry should be if the skirt on her dress spins well enough, not if her Mom is going to die, go to heaven, and leave her. I asked her where she got this from...who said anything about me dying, she told me she got it from her own head. So now its our job as parents to reverse her thought. I always thought I did by telling her all the goods about the hospital, doctors, medicine, my "boo boos", and of course getting new lungs...it all means that I get to run and play and give her under dogs on the swings again (Yes, this is very big in Laila's world...Momma is gonna be strong enough for underdogs and to carry her again.) and I promise that I will do all those one day. So what gave her this idea? I for sure have to now put a little stronger face on when I am not feeling well, and make sure I watch what I say about breathing and how I feel etc. I want her not to worry about death..
Lailie, Momma promises that you will have YOUR mom, always. And just remember, “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”