My Moments to Breathe

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Missing Ma

It was a crazy week. I guess me planning my funeral service was the foreshadowing of my grandma-mas funeral. Yeap, she is now with our Savior in heaven and as much as we will all miss her we can take comfort in knowing where she is. 

Laila and I flew back to Michigan on Saturday. It was a whirlwind trip full of many smiles, laughs, and of course tears. She was such a wonderful woman, full of sass, grace, love, stubbornness, and just a pretty neat woman. She was so sassy and had such a great sense of humor and it stayed pretty much until the end. One of the last things we joked about was me not being able to get her lungs!! She was the matriarch of a family. My family. As happy as I am that Ma is joining her husband, son, and parents in heaven, this one rattled me a little. 

Now that the last one in that generation for this branch of the family tree is gone, it means I (and my sister and the rest of my cousins) have moved up to the generation of "kids". Growing up there was the patriarch and matriarch...the parents; then my parents generation was the "kids"; and we were all the "grandkids". Well, now my Dad is the patiarch now...the parents...the PaPop. I am grown up, just a kid. Our generation has to grow up and be smart about adult choices! Many memories ran through my head, happy and sad. I passed the old house my grandparents lived in and as I am sure would happen to anyone in the family...memories and voices became alive again. I could see me playing in the ditch with my cousins. I could watch my grandpa saying his final wave as we headed home for the night. I could feel my grandmas nails on my back as she did "itsy-bitsy spider" to scratch our backs. I could hear the clocks ding, hear the old stories (and let me tell you the Zell men can tell a good story!) I could smell the warmth of their house on Thanksgiving. I was a young "grandkid" again.

She was one of my biggest supporters when it came to CF, she was always thrilled when I could tell her I was feeling better or that new medication was coming out. She was thrilled that I accepted on the transplant list. She wanted so badly for my lungs to came that she asked me not to come see her to say goodbye, or come to her funeral (shhhh what grandma doesn't know can't hurt her....especially since she is in heaven now!) But it makes my heart a little sad that now I can't share the joy of the real deal transplant, that it really did happen this time...not just a dry run. But I am happy that she doesn't have to worry about that or other things, and that she is so beyond content!

I had a great time with family and friends. It was nice to be with my cousins laughing...we haven't laughed so hard a in awhile! They are just awesome people. My health is still OK, and just have been sitting on 02 non stop since I got home. I plan on sleeping in tomorrow and getting a good night know either that or I get a transplant call!! I want to thank everyone for all the thoughts, prayers, for coming, the memorial, the flowers, the good memories, kind words...whatever it was, it was much appreciated!

There is the throne of David,
And there, from care released,
The shout of those who triumph,
The song of those who feast.
And they, who with their leader
Have conquered in the fight,
Forever and forever
Are clad in robes of white.

1 comment: