My Moments to Breathe

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Another round

Starting a new round of antibiotics always makes me a little blue. 

I am sure it is so many things all mixed into one, just all bottled up and ready to come out in a cry. It ranges from the fact that I will have tape on my skin for at least 2 weeks, to not being able to shower easily, to having to stay up late and wake up early, to things not being normal, to be going down hill farther without a transplant, to be getting so sick that the worst happens: death.

Now let me go back and say I am not scared to die because I know what awaits me. Heaven and my Saviors opens arms. But I am scared of all the things left undone here. How will Jeremy be? (he will have to raise a crazy girl, he will have to work and then come home and cook, clean, he will have to find a new wife...yes he already said he would.) What about Laila? (I can't even start on this one...I will just say she NEEDS a mom...HER mom!) My parents? (Now that I am a parent I couldn't imagine burying my child.) My sis? (We have gone through everything together and she would have to do things without her sister now.) My best friend? (we need each other more than normal friends need one another!) What about my aunts, uncles, cousins? (I have seen what death can do to a family and feeling people have and I never EVER want my family to have to go through that again.) 

It is the things that make me sad that I know I need to try and forget, or really even better (as Laila has re-taught me) to pray about it. The next 2 weeks are going to be crazy and I know that I am going to have to sit on 02, breathe, eat and do EVERYTHING for my health. It is OK to skip a moment of fun, or to eat leftovers, its OK to ask for help. 

I have 2 more hours til I Jeremy has to stick the needle into my Port and I am trying to just enjoy the air on my skin, and Yes, I did take one last easy shower. This stuff can easily play mental games with you. Sorry everyone, I wish I was as strong as I can seem, but tonight I just am not. I know some of you are waiting to see what I am getting crossed off my bucket list (and it isn't the most fun and I know a few people who will get upset, but its what I want to do!)

Dear Lord, please make me strong!


  1. I pray for you and your family. My brother died yesterday, suddenly and unexpectedly. My heart is broken. I promise to pray that God allows you to stay and be your little girl's momma.

    1. I am so sorry to hear Kimmy Many thoughts and prayers to your family!

  2. My heart goes out to you each time I read your posts. I want so deeply to take away all that you are going through, but know that I cannot. But know that you are in my thoughts and I hope with all of my heart that your family does not have to face life without you, and that you can be there to see your beautiful girl grow up. <3