Friday, December 14, 2012
Still a fighter
HAHA Laila was so sad...
So after today and sitting here trying to think of how to start this blog I have decided that its my last day to think about this until after Christmas. Mostly for myself but also for Laila, Jeremy, the rest of my family and my friends too. I realize that is affects my mood and there fore affects how I act or treat people and so since Christmas is my favorite time of year. The one time I still feel like a kid because I get that feeling in my tummy still when I talk about Santa...you know the one where a bit of you thinks he could real. And then I think that I didn't come on this earth in human form knowing I was going to die a horrible death in order to save other people. So this is it until after Christmas and the New Year.
The new year...2013 a big year here in the Husby house (and the Zell house in MI.) Today after much mulling and tears and fighting with myself I called the transplant team and scheduled my evaluation to see if I qualify for a new set of lungs. Scared? Understatement. Emotional? Terribly. Excited? Haha not sure yet.
The crazy thing is I had just got Laila out of the bathtub and was stirring cheese into Jeremy's lunch when I burst into tears. What would happen if I wasn't here. What would they do? Now I know that Jeremy is capable of taking care of him and Laila and I have faith in that 100% but I also think about how they need a mom and wife too. Things like this happened all day. I looked at the half lit Christmas tree and cried because what if its the last one or what if next year I am sitting in a hospital praying new lungs come. My thoughts were so messed up all day that my heart just hurt...no other way to explain it.
I feel so silly about all this and I am sure some of you think I am. WHY WOULD'NT YOU GET ON THE LIST ASAP? THIS IS A GOOD THING YOU ARE GETTING THE EVAL! But as much as its easy to do it for everyone else its also very easy to not do it. Yeap, I know that sentence didn't make sense but thats how it all is in my head too. SCRAMBLED.
So April 2-5th I will be in Madison going through the biggest test of my life and I want an A. What a way to spend Easter right...getting prepared for the madness. But I think its a good birthday gift for my Dad (HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!) I am starting pulm rehab soon (also starting setting that up today and PHEW its in Hartford!!) and looking forwarded to getting my package of all the information on how and when and why I have to go through the 4 days of tests and talking. The 2 words "Lung Transplant" has never bothered me as much as they started to today. I didn't even like looking at it as I was typing it. But Yes everyone I will be getting one and I will not stop fighting and yes I will do what it takes.
So there I did it and I posted it and now I am gonna drop it and have a wonderful not sick kind of 2 weeks.