Red is no longer a color I like

I don't have a clever way to start this blog. A way to grab your attention and hold on to it. Maybe because my mind is in a fog or because I just don't feel like trying to be clever. I should be really excited tonight and doing my normal hustle and bustle the night before a Michigan trip. But instead I am sitting in Jeremy's chair with comfy clothes, hood up, and the computer on my lap; all while Jeremy does the packing, bathing of the child and cooking of our dinner. SIGH.

This morning was school pictures (which Laila had to have many takes because she Rev'd every picture they took...which is the Zell way of saying the girl couldn't have a natural smile!) and while they were taking them I told Jeremy that I had this weird cough that wouldn't stop. It wasn't a hard cough or a long cough, but a nagging deep cough that just wouldn't go away. Oh well, its allergy season, right?! I got home after dropping her off and cough a big nasty cough that brought up some good junk (any CFers out there reading this you know what kind of cough and junk I am talking about!!) and felt so good just to get that out. I thought and still think it was part of the last deep infection that finally hit close enough to the surface and broke up just enough to work it out. Ahhh...a little more relief!

I went on with my normal day, shower, clean, watch a little tv and rest, pick up Laila from school, lunch with friends and back home to get more things done. Just one more load of laundry and I was done and could start the process of packing...that big process of never knowing what and how much to pack. I carried the small load down and just had to clear my throat...which lead into some liquid coming up. Well, since I had just eaten some Lucky Charms (always a kid a heart right) I thought my tummy just didn't settle well. Then the coughing started...

I walked up stairs with what I thought was more crud to spit out in my mouth. Patoueee...I spit it out and saw it. Blood filled the sink. I coughed more. More bright red blood. I screamed for Jeremy in between coughing and spitting out all blood. BRIGHT RED BLOOD.  I was coughing up all and only blood. I mean I have coughed small amounts in mucus before..but this was just gooey red blood. I knew the time would come when it would happen...and really I have always been OK with talking about dying, but never could joke about coughing up blood. It was too scary. But here I was in my own fear.

Jeremy ran and got jeans on and said we were going to the hospital..."everythings going to be just fine, Cass" is all he could say (and only thing he will still say when I ask him if he was scared.) So I did what I am sure anyone would do, call your doctor! The one good thing about this all is I happened to do it on a Wednesday, which is the day my dr happens to be in the office. And I was lucky enough in my fear to be able to talk to him directly. Thank goodness he was there and could talk to me about it. 

"Most likely a huge vessel that broke during the day and it needs to heal and stop the bleeding. Don't rush to the ER because the anxiety and everything going with it could aggravate it more. You need to be a pre-Madonna and do NOTHING all night. If you are coughing up a lot still in the am you come here. Don't drive tomorrow. Don't pick Laila up for awhile. If you cough up a ton on your drive tomorrow you find the nearest ER. If you cough up in MI then you rush  to UMHS."

So, yeap, here I sit with the computer on my lap trying to heal something I don't know how to heal. CF snuck up on me and it scared me.  It grabbed a huge fear of mine and through it in my face...and out in the sink. And trying to not have anxiety or excitement is so hard. Don't cry and breathe deep. Don't cry and breathe deep. I am ready for a cure.