My Moments to Breathe

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Waving the white flag

Laying down and not being able to fully breath is not ideal! And seeing as I am not getting any better or staying very healthy now that I am off antibiotics means its time to surrender and go in.

I was kicking and screaming yesterday knowing that when I woke up I would have to call the doctor and tell them when I wanted to go in. So I was pretty sure that Sept 11 would work...I could still make it for Laila's school and her first day of ballet but be out and ready for picture day and to head back to the great state of Michigan. It's all in the timing. Until I called and they said I had to come in tomorrow...and at noon. So there was the wrench and start the anxiety attacks.

Think, Cassie, think. As I was on the phone with Bruce (Bruce...really?) who I can only assume is another new nurse, I tell let him know that I will go in and thats fine but I warned him that I WILL be out before Monday. Hey, I know that you gotta do what you gotta do and yes, I know I have to give up somethings to win the war; but giving up some things in my daughters life now doesn't work. I have to be there to get her to her first ballet practice! Thats important to me! So I will fight and be a good girl in order to get out as early as possible.

Now to get everything done before I go in tomorrow. Another anxiety attack! After a few deep breaths and talking to my sister and Jeremy I am ready to start tackling my list. Most important...what to do with Laila since I can't be there and there are times that Jeremy can't be either! (Let me say I don't know how people who don't have the flexibility Jeremy that has can pull this crap off!) The texting and phone calls start. I will skip all the drama and tell you that Laila is covered with people to watch her. And really I will skip even more of the anxiety and tell you that I pretty much have everything almost done for tomorrow for myself! Today was one of those days I just feel guilty that I have to be sick! Tears a plenty!

With all that said I still have anxiety. I have things that run thru my Laila's life going to be crazy for those days? What if she needs me and I can't be there? What if she wakes up in the middle of the night and calls out my name? Will Jeremy get his work done?  And that is just the tip of the iceberg. But there are things that are getting me through these anxiety ridden fears. Like now I will feel better and for longer and maybe even feel good enough to gain some weight! Weight means being on the BIG LIST.  I want to be on that transplant list...NOW! 

So here is Tuesday before  my little "staycation" in the hospital and I'm tense and wondering what I am forgetting to do! But a nice sigh of relief because we JUST talked to Aunt Gwynn...she is coming tomorrow and making sure my family is settled and Laila will have her normal life and Jeremy can do his job. BREATHE CASSIE! BREATHE CASSIE! BREATHE CASSIE!

More to come from Madison...


  1. I wish I could be there to help! Know that we are praying for you always down here in Missouri!

  2. Breath Cassie Breath!! We love you and will continue to pray for you everyday!!